The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
If only
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?