The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
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Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.