The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Duck typos.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon