The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
The Joker was right
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.