The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork