The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m crying im so happy for them