The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
just left a huge legacy in there
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.