The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
It’s an epidemic…