@rickkondell

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

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@Shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@SuitSentient

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@RawBeanCoal

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

@KalvinMacleod

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@TheAlexP

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@Darlainky

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk