The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
#Caturday
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Miscakes
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.