The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk