The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I used to be married, but I’m better now
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.