The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Happy Taco Tuesday
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.