The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

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Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……


My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.


Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]


If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.


*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?


“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster