The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?