The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.