The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.


Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.


If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.


toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else


Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.


The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.


Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*


Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably


You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!


Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.