The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.