The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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Morningbreath
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The Punning Dead.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.