The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
What personal space?
My dog
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle