The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Straight people are cancelled
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
bout dat hot dog summer
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.