The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
😬
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH