“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The options really are this bad
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries