The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
You Might Also Like
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…