The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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I was bored.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
sigh
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent