The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
No regrets in 2018
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.