The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.