The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You Might Also Like
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.