The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.