The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The Weeknd is back
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Life cycle of cat
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
figuring out my emotional availability:
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.