The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Hero horse inspires millions
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.