The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have