The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.