The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Guilty! 🤪
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.