The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Saturday
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*