The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
New Tinder profile.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good