The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …