@AmishPornStar1 Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
@FlyJ_ The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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@AmishPornStar1 
@WheelTod Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
@copymama I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
@drebastion Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
@GabbbarSingh Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
@ShipInTheKnight I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
@jjhartinger My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
@ScottLinnen So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
@TheAlexNevil I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
@TheTweetOfGod The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking