@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

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@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@WheelTod

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

@copymama

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

@drebastion

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

@GabbbarSingh

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

@jjhartinger

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@TheTweetOfGod

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking