The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!


Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?


I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.


Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is


Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety


My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking