The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo