The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.