The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
my fav colour is also hitler
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool