The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.