@Rica_Bee

The big book of baby names but for safe words

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@AndyAsAdjective

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@momjeansplease

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

@huntigula

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

@

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@DALIA

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator