WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator