The big book of baby names but for safe words
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A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”