The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?