The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.