Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating