The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.