@TweetPotato314 [Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
@E_lok44 The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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@TweetPotato314 
@notmythirdrodeo I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
@EndhooS [storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
@chetporter [dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
@david8hughes Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
@darksidedeb [on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
@joeljeffrey When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
@BrokenPalabras Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
@Ginjarella Good morning, Twitter x
@weinerdog4life I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons