@_SetTheHook_ “I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
@E_lok44 The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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@_SetTheHook_ 
@NoorShamma “When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
@ADHDeanASL “No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
@weinerdog4life If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
@simoncholland Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
@EndhooS Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
@ieatanddrink Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
@rachelle_mandik *ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
@Smooheed But I really needed water water water
@MySickthSense I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.