@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

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@NoorShamma

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

@ADHDeanASL

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@ieatanddrink

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

@MySickthSense

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.