The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

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[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…


[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing


Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done


[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.


When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.


I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons