The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Um … Hot Wings please
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”