The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?