@noog

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

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@WilliamAder

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

@Home_Halfway

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@faizziy

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

@OrdinaryAlso

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

@SteveKoehler22

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

@enigmaterics

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.