The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Hell yeah 👍
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal