@ShaeAaron
@AndyAsAdjective *walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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@AndyAsAdjective 
@ericonederful A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
@Goofpoops In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
@emily_tweets Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
@NYC_Blonde “You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
@dafloydsta WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
@TheBoydP Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
@rachelle_mandik the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
@IamEnidColeslaw making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
@Try2StopME My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.