The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!