*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
😅😅😅
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers