The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
opening twitter today
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.