The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

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How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall


If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK


I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it


[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy


[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything


ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!


Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.


get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn