How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn