The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
You Might Also Like
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.