@Jenny4ashley How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
@LoveYoorFate The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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@Jenny4ashley 
@meantomyself If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
@ristolable I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
@markedly [christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
@TheHyyyype [philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
@Halbeerz Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
@English_Channel get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
@joeljeffrey Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
@reczit Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
@TG22110 